Funkit Toys is a gift to humanity. Kenton, the genius behind it, is the kind of person who makes dildo pun threads on Twitter , entire $690 silicone dildo chess sets, and candy corn butt plugs for Halloween. (Yes, I own one, obviously.) He makes beautiful, artistic body-safe dildo designs that put functionality first and foremost, and if you can’t afford his fancy artsy pours, he also makes NoFrillDos in shapes and sizes sure to please everyone.
When I met Kenton at Woodhull 2019, he gave me a set of NoFrillDo S1s to review out of his huge dildo chest (#goals), and on meeting him, I decided I had to own one of his fancier toys. I left with a “Virginia Clay” Swing, one of a kind, with a swirl of orange and green suspended inside the clear silicone. And then lost it somewhere in my moves to and from college. When I cried about this on Twitter, Kenton said “well, I just fucked one up, want it?” and GAVE ME ONE. My new one is pink and blue, and has bigger swirlies. It’s not my most adventurously colored toy, but I can’t bring myself to mind pink when it’s not attached to gendered marketing assumptions. He also gave me excellent falafel in exchange for some Cheetos mac and cheese.
My first time using the Swing, I’m ashamed to report that I committed the cardinal sin of Not Reading The Product Page and tweeted frantically to Kenton about the base. One bout of dumbassery later, I discovered that all Funkit toys have bases designed to fold in your hand for a comfy grip! They will also stick together– want a handle for the Jellyfish flogger that you can ALSO fuck someone with? Yeah, you can do that. There’s also an attachment called the Pommel you can add to hold a bullet vibe. On any Funkit toy. That’s some real magic science. Even folded, they’re still butt-safe. They don’t fold without some pressure, and the base still flares in the other direction. Unless you shove your entire fist into your ass while holding the Swing, you’ll be fine.
Reassured of the base’s structural integrity, I got out a favorite vibrator and my lube, ready for an adventure. Only I really wasn’t, because this little dildo is a G-spotting wonder. At 1 and 3/8 inches at its widest point, it doesn’t require a lot of warm-up. (I do, admittedly, kind of wish for a Swing XL sometimes, but this size is very accessible.) The bulbous head, the C-shape, and the firm silicone are a beautiful combination that equals basically an oxytocin release button. The gently wavy bumps on the shaft aren’t overwhelming, but they’re definitely there. Since I’m a member of the ‘thrust like the world is ending’ club, I appreciate gentle texture. It doesn’t get in the way, but it’s a little extra interest.
And, of course, anyone who’s read a sex blog ever could tell you that pronounced heads and dramatic curves are the key to no-fuss G-spotting. My G-spot is, admittedly, sensitive as hell, and it doesn’t take much to catch its interest– I can squirt several times in a row with a good toy, and this is one of ’em. I own a Pure Wand. I like this better. It’s lighter, easier for me to thrust, and it doesn’t freeze my vagina (yes, it warms up fast, but temperature play is not for me, I’m a huge baby about cold). The shape is perfect, the base isn’t annoying to hold, and I kept delaying this review because every time I got it out for photos, I wanted to use it. Every one of Funkit’s creations is unique. He designs for anatomy, not gender, and that’s still rare enough in this industry that I’m gonna scream it from the rooftops until everybody else gets with the goddamn program already.
Go buy your Swing directly from Funkit Toys!
Want to reward me for not making a ‘swings both ways’ pun in this post? I have a Patreon!